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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30041613">you are my getaway (you are my favourite place)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/jbhmalum/pseuds/jbhmalum'>jbhmalum</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>5 Seconds of Summer (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Cuddles, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Forehead Kisses, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Sleepy Michael, and variations thereof, cooking and hot beverages, getaway, trans calum hood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 01:34:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,729</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30041613</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/jbhmalum/pseuds/jbhmalum</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>“Okay, we're taking a break,” Calum tells him one morning when Michael comes out of their nest of a bedroom only to flop onto the couch, burying his face in Calum’s lap.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What?” Michael asks, voice slightly muffled. Calum’s joggers are soft, his thighs comfortable.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“We’re taking a break,” Calum repeats. His hand settles on top of Michael’s head, fingers threading through his hair. “I’m taking you out of the city, and we’re gonna do nothing but cuddle and have lazy sex and I’ll feed you so much food anyway that you won’t want to do anything else.”</em>
</p><p>*</p><p>Michael hasn’t been doing so well. Calum takes him on a little getaway.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Michael Clifford/Calum Hood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>29</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>you are my getaway (you are my favourite place)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/fueledbygaymen/gifts">fueledbygaymen</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello! Here is some way too long malum, a special one for <a href="https://tigerteeff.tumblr.com/">Heath</a>, because it's their birthday!! (I'm gonna be a little sappy here it's okay)</p><p>Heath my love, I love you so much, it's been such a gratifying experience to be your friend because you're a wonder of a person with so much to offer. I know our conversations have gotten a bit ridiculous and stupid sometimes lol but honestly that's been fun as hell. But we've still had really deep conversations and you've been there for me when my brain was letting me down and you've said things that have stuck with me and I can't thank you enough for that. This is what this fic is based around; I don't wanna put you on blast so I'm not gonna say what it is, but you said something to me once that was just The Right Thing to say, and I remember asking you if I could make a malum fic out of it, and you said yes, but I never did, until now. I think you'll recognize your own words in this. (I swear this is the only reason why I wrote you a birthday fic with that much angst!!)</p><p>Anyway I love you, and I hope you like this little angsty and fluffy and soft soft malum.</p><p>The biggest thank you to <a href="https://lifewasradical.tumblr.com/">Amanda</a> for repeatedly telling me this didn't suck and also telling me the nicest things about it &lt;3 Love you!</p><p>Oh! just a little disclaimer, once again I am not trans, and have not gone through top surgery, everything mentioned here is only things I got from research. There's not that much being said, but still if I've somehow said something wrong I will NOT be offended if you tell me, I'll correct it!</p><p>And, I hope everyone else enjoys this too!! This is set... now? I just felt like writing 2021 malum, because they're both so soft!</p><p>Title from Disconnected.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Okay, we're taking a break,” Calum tells him one morning when Michael comes out of their nest of a bedroom only to flop onto the couch, burying his face in Calum’s lap.</p><p>“What?” Michael asks, voice slightly muffled. Calum’s joggers are soft, his thighs comfortable.</p><p>“We’re taking a break,” Calum repeats. His hand settles on top of Michael’s head, fingers threading through his hair. “I’m taking you out of the city, and we’re gonna do nothing but cuddle and have lazy sex and I’ll feed you so much food anyway that you won’t want to do anything else.”</p><p>“Why?” Michael asks, eyes already falling shut again. It’s<em> noon. </em></p><p>Calum sighs softly, leans down to kiss Michael’s hair. “You know why. Don’t think about saying no, I’m not giving you a choice. We’re leaving tomorrow.”</p><p>Hidden against Calum, Michael frowns in confusion. He thinks about the past year, spent with Calum in their house, and thinks, <em> haven’t I just been on a break this whole time? </em> He knows the answer is yes, and it almost makes him want to cry, because he hates thinking about how unproductive he’s been since last March.</p><p>“It’s okay to do nothing, you deserve to just exist without any expectations,” Calum has been telling him, usually followed by a sneaky kiss on the cheek or a hug. It’s easy for Calum to say, though; he’s spent the whole year writing, and working out, and writing, and cooking new recipes, and writing, and reading, and <em> writing, </em> while Michael’s just been lying in his bed playing video games and eating greasy food.</p><p>Part of him is grateful for Calum not pressing him to do those things with him. He’s asked Michael several times, of course, but when Michael would just look at him tiredly and bury himself  further into his pillow, Calum would just give him a sad smile and squeeze his shoulder or caress his cheek before leaving him alone.</p><p>It got a bit better when they started seeing Luke and Ashton again. His creativity was there, probably helped by the giddy excitement for a change of scenery and some prospect for the band.</p><p>Didn’t last long, though. Since the new year has begun, it’s like the novelty started wearing off, and he’s barely been able to write or contribute to anything. He’s been plummeting towards the ground, getting harder and harder to get back up, no matter that Calum was there to help him out.</p><p>Which is why he can’t take another break. He needs to work. He loves his band, loves it more than anything in this world — except for Calum, but at this point he can’t not associate the two. He can’t bear to let his boys down by being depressed and lazy.</p><p>“Okay,” he mumbles though, a testament to his state of mind that he can’t even say no even though he’s going to regret it. “I love you.”</p><p>He’s asleep again in a second, and he doesn’t wake up until dinner time. Calum hasn’t moved from underneath him.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>***</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Calum won’t tell him where they’re going, but Michael only bothers asking twice as they’re packing their bags the next morning and then putting them into the car. He was only told to bring a guitar (“only if you want to”), no laptop (“it’ll be a good idea to disconnect for a while, I want you all to myself”), and lots of hoodies (“I need you at your comfiest”). There was no point in arguing with Calum, so that’s exactly what ends up in the car.</p><p>He spends the entire ride in a tired haze. It’s raining softly, which usually Michael doesn’t like, but with Calum’s warm hand on his thigh and Calum’s soothing voice spouting nonsense and the constant rumble of the car and the soft indie song playing on the radio, he can’t say he minds it too much. It actually lulls him halfway to sleep, remaining awake enough to be fully conscious of Calum’s presence.</p><p>When Calum finally slows down the car what seems to be four hours later, Michael is more than a little confused.</p><p>“Wh’re are we?” he slurs, rubbing his sleepy eyes. Calum just gives him a soft smile and kisses his temple before getting out of the car and opening the trunk.</p><p>Michael blinks a couple times, but it still doesn’t make sense.</p><p>It’s… a house. The car is parked in the driveway of a nice little suburban house, something that looks like it was built in the sixties, or maybe the seventies, Michael isn’t really sure. It looks lovely; homey, even though he can only see the front of it.</p><p>Why would Calum take him there, though? In this nice neighbourhood that, looking at the cars in the other driveways, must be housing modest, working class <em> families. </em> The streets are probably filled with kids when it’s not raining outside. There’s no reason for them to be here.</p><p>“Come on Mike, get out of the car,” Calum shouts with his head buried in the trunk.</p><p>With one last frown and a shake of his head, Michael puts the hood of his hoodie over his head and gets out of the car. It smells humid outside, reminding Michael of being a kid and running around his own neighbourhood with Calum in tow. He can’t help the slight smile that tugs at his lips as he joins Calum behind the car.</p><p>“I’ve got it,” Calum says when Michael goes to take one of the bags, then hands him a bunch of keys. “Go on, open the door for me, I can't do everything.”</p><p>Michael just rolls his eyes at his boyfriend and goes up the stairs to the front porch. There’s a couple of rocking chairs and some sort of coffee table that Michael pointedly ignores as he opens the door.</p><p>The house is… big. And somehow cosy. And warm, and just as homey as the exterior had made it seem. The open kitchen looks big, too, though smaller than theirs, with burgundy cabinets and cream walls. And then, to his right, in the smaller living room, is the fluffiest couch Michael has ever seen.</p><p>“Oh my god, Cal,” he says, running and throwing himself on it. He melts right into it, burying his face in one of the pillows. “This is the best thing ever, I’m gonna spend all my time here.”</p><p>Calum lets out a chuckle, disappearing further into the house. “Wait ‘til you’ve seen the bedroom.”</p><p>Michael stills. “Is that where you’re going?”</p><p>“Why don’t you come and see?” Calum shouts, and Michael is up in an instant.</p><p>In his half awake state he almost slips, despite the fact that he still has shoes on, but he makes his way to where he can hear Calum putting down their stuff in one room. He’s completely enamoured with what he finds. The room is quite simple and minimalistic; only a huge wardrobe and a desk that doesn’t look big enough to actually be able to do any work on it. But the bed; it’s almost a replica of theirs at home, expect it’s More. It’s bigger, ridiculously large in this modest-sized room, and there are twice as many fluffy and warm looking blankets and just– so many pillows.</p><p>He can just picture himself buried underneath this pile of warmth, Calum hidden with him. Surely everything would be alright under there.</p><p>“So, are you gonna spend all your time on the couch?” Calum says with a satisfied smile, coming up to kiss Michael’s cheek.</p><p>Michael rolls his eyes, but he turns his head to peck Calum on the lips.</p><p>“That is one fun bed,” he says.</p><p>“Hm hm,” Calum nods. “Imagine all the things we could do in it.”</p><p>“Oh yeah? What could we do?”</p><p>Sneakily taking hold of Michael’s hands, Calum pretends to think about it. “Well, cuddle, for starters. We could have breakfast.”</p><p>“What else?”</p><p>“I don’t know… we could play cards? You could play guitar for me? I can’t think of anything else,” he says with a smirk.</p><p>Michael groans, hiding his face in Calum’s neck. “Cal,” he whines.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Will you fuck me in this bed?”</p><p>“Oh, that’s what you meant.” Michael pinches his side, and Calum laughs. “Fine, if you insist. I will.”</p><p>“Thank you,” Michael says. “Can we cuddle now?”</p><p>He can practically feel Calum roll his eyes. “All of this for that?”</p><p>“I’m too tired,” he says, hugging Calum tighter. </p><p>He says it to mean he’s too tired to have sex, because he feels like he needs to sleep even though he must have slept twenty-four hours in the last thirty-six. But he can feel the words settling heavily over the both of them, turning the atmosphere of the room from playful to serious in a second. It’s all too honest for something he didn’t mean to say.</p><p>“Sorry,” he says, removing his face from the confines of Calum’s neck. He feels small, looking at Calum like this, and he subconsciously tugs his sleeves over his hands. “I didn’t mean to–”</p><p>“Please, no,” Calum cuts off. “I know you’re tired, love. It’s why we’re here, so I don’t want you to pretend to be at one hundred all the time, okay? It’s all good.”</p><p>Michael can only nod, biting his lip. “You’re too good to me,” he says, and he goes on before Calum can protest. “What’s this place anyway? Not that I’m complaining, but this isn’t quite the destination I was expecting.”</p><p>Calum lights up instantly. “I rent it.”</p><p>“Yeah, I can see that, I mean… why? For how long?”</p><p>“Well…” Calum scratches the back of his head. “For as long as I want to.”</p><p>Michael frowns. “What do you mean? This isn’t like a vacation thing?”</p><p>“No, I’m renting it. And if you like it, if you feel good here, we can come back when you need to get away again. This could be another home, one that’s just for us. Away from everything.”</p><p>“Cal…”</p><p>This isn’t what Michael was expecting. Calum is looking at him almost sheepishly, with hope written clearly all over his face. Calum wants this, possibly for more than just helping with Michael’s mental battles.</p><p>“I know that you need things to make you feel grounded,” Calum goes on. “I think that could be one of them, and that it could help in a big way.”</p><p>“I mean, yeah,” Michael agrees, because he really doesn’t see any valid reason to say no. “Only if we can also come here when you’re feeling down.”</p><p>Calum rolls his eyes. He looks fond while doing it. “Of course. Glad we can agree, then. Now take your shoes off and sleep if you want, I’m gonna make lunch. Or you can join me, but I can see you ready to doze off.”</p><p>Michael can feel himself pout before he realizes he’s doing it. “But, cuddle?”</p><p>“I want to make you something nice and–”</p><p>“I don’t care about food right now, you can make something fun for dinner,” Michael pleads, and sue him if he’s bringing out the puppy dog eyes. It always works. “Please, Cal, I’ll sleep better in your arms. You know it’s true.”</p><p>He can pinpoint the exact moment Calum caves, and then Calum is sighing, kissing Michael’s temple before leading him to the bed. “That is so incredibly unfair,” he says, but he hurries to take his and Michael’s shoes off so they can settle under the pile of covers.</p><p>“Now sleep,” he says once he’s got Michael cradled against his chest and under his arm. Michael doesn’t have to be told twice.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>***</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>The next couple of days are spent like this; Calum cooks too much and brings almost everything he makes to the bedroom, Michael sleeps a lot until he doesn’t feel as physically tired and can start moving around the house more often, then they play and sing together, Michael appreciating Calum’s deep voice blending with the soft rain that keeps on falling outside.</p><p>On the fourth day, Michael is finally starting to feel a bit restless. He doesn’t want to go out with this weather, and he doesn’t feel like helping Calum out in the kitchen (he thinks he’d just be a nuisance and Calum would end up telling him to leave anyway). He plays for a bit, but he gets bored of it after an hour, and nothing else really interests him. And he knows that’s his depressed brain making its appearance, but he refuses to think about that. He’s been tired, but he’s been feeling mostly relaxed here, with Calum dotting and spoiling him. He doesn’t want to see this change so soon, even though he knows it eventually will.</p><p>He’s been lounging on the couch watching some Family Feud reruns for about thirty minutes when Calum emerges out of the kitchen and into the living room. Michael takes the time to look at him. He looks particularly good today; his curls are a bit wild from the steam of whatever it is he’s been cooking for lunch, the black shirt resting snugly on his shoulders and showing off his newly flat chest. Michael’s never minded it the way it used to be, but he knows Calum did, so seeing him like this couldn’t make Michael happier in return. And yeah, he does look fucking good like that, too.</p><p>“Hey Cal,” he says with a smile.</p><p>“Hey babe. You look bored here all by yourself,” Calum replies with an exaggerated wiggle of his eyebrows.</p><p>“Shut up,” Michael says, but he’s chuckling, and that feels good. “Are you done cooking?”</p><p>Calum nods. “I am, it’s in the oven and will be ready in about an hour.”</p><p>“Good, now come here with me. I want a cuddle.”</p><p>He makes grabby hands at Calum and turns on his back, hoping that will prompt Calum to use Michael’s chest as a pillow. It works, of course, because Calum likes a cuddle as much as the next person. He cuddles up against Michael’s side, nestling his head in the crook of Michael’s neck.  Usually Michael is the one being held (well, not always, only more often), but he likes having Calum here in his arms.</p><p>They stay like that for a while, Calum making comments about the TV even though he can’t see anything, Michael telling him what’s actually happening. They laugh together, and Michael is happy, in this moment, with the love of his life pressed up against him.</p><p>So Michael just lays there, basking in his warmth, until Calum shuffles around, trying to reposition himself better, and his thigh accidently grazes Michael’s crotch.</p><p>“Oh, I’m sorry,” Calum laughs, taking his leg away. “Didn’t mean to.”</p><p>“No, no,” Michael says, biting his lip. He hasn’t been touched or touched himself in more than a week, and that wasn’t really an issue but Calum touching him like this, even if not on purpose, is making him a little too excited. He’s not getting hard, not yet, but Calum is right there, and Michael is realizing that not having been touched by Calum means he hasn’t gotten his boyfriend off in just as long, and that’s a bit unfair, that his mood got in the way of that.</p><p>“You can touch me,” he says, rubbing circles on Calum’s shoulder. “Or, not right now necessarily. We can have fun tonight. But if you want to, I’m pretty sure I’m finally feeling up to it.”</p><p>Just thinking about it is making him flush a little, he can feel it, but it stops quickly, leaving him frowning when he takes note of Calum’s silence, his body frozen against him. Quiet Calum is rarely good news in moments like these.</p><p>“Cal? Did I say something wrong?” he asks, and immediately Calum’s body relaxes again, his face burying further against Michael’s collarbone as he lets out a sigh.</p><p>"No, no, you didn't,” Calum says. “I just– I’m glad your brain is letting you want to do things you enjoy again. God knows I’ve missed touching you. But, hum.”</p><p>“But what?” Michael prompts when Calum stops himself.</p><p>“I’m just feeling pretty dysphoric today, I think. Out of nowhere I had trouble washing myself down there without shaking, and it hasn’t really left me all morning. If we do it, it would have to be in the dark, but even then I'm not sure I could. I could get you off if you want, but that's about it, probably. Sorry about that.”</p><p>He does sound sorry, a defeated tone to his voice, and Michael won’t have that.</p><p>“No, no, that's alright,” he says, because it is. “We don't have to, we can do that another day. It's not like I'm sex crazed right now, either. Just got a little excited and I thought we could have some fun, but if we're not sharing it then I don't want it.”</p><p>He knows Calum knows this, that Calum wasn’t expecting Michael to actually say yes to that, but still, Michael feels the need to say it. He knows his boyfriend appreciates it.</p><p>Calum kisses his throat softly. "Okay, yeah. Just sucks that our brain’s meltdown schedules aren’t lining up."</p><p>Michael lets out a chuckle at that. Calum groans.</p><p>“It’s not funny.”</p><p>“Well, it kind of is,” Michael says, but he sobers up, gives Calum’s shoulders a squeeze. “Are you okay, though? I'm sorry you’re having one of those days, I know they’re tough on you.”</p><p>They are pretty tough, some days even more than others. Today doesn’t seem to be one of those worse days, the ones that leave Calum unable to do anything, and Michael is glad. He’d hold Calum close and make sure he feels safe and loved forever, but he never really has the right words when Calum breaks down like that, because he’ll never fully understand no matter how hard he tries.</p><p>"No, honestly it's alright,” Calum reassures. “It was bound to happen, it’s been going too well since Christmas.”</p><p>Michael sneers at that. Nothing should ever be “going too well” for anyone, especially not Calum, who’s the best fucking person on this whole planet. But he doesn’t say anything, because Calum is still right. It has been going better since he got back from top surgery a few days before Christmas, but they knew it wasn’t all gonna be perfect for all that. The dysphoria wasn’t going to disappear entirely, even though Michael wishes for Calum that it would.</p><p>And even then, while Calum hasn’t been asking not to have sex for those past couple months, there’s been times when he would ask Michael not to touch him directly. He doesn’t always like it, no matter how much pleasure it brings him to have Michael go down on him or fuck him. Some days he hates being reminded of what’s between his legs, even if he knows Michael has never cared, and if he himself doesn’t want to do anything to change it.</p><p>But Michael knows that it’s not about him, that it’s a fight between Calum and his own brain, so he never acknowledges it if Calum doesn’t. He’s learned his cues, and he usually just moves his hands somewhere else and lets Calum have his way with him. Which Michael loves. Very much so.</p><p>"Okay, if you’re sure,” he says, because if Calum wants to talk more about it, he will later. “Just know I love you.” He places a kiss at the top of Calum’s curls, and Calum hums happily.</p><p>“Couldn’t forget it if I tried.”</p><p>That makes Michael smile dopily. He could stay like that forever, here in this little happy bubble of a moment.</p><p>“Well, in any case, I think we should still do something fun this afternoon," he says.</p><p>Calum sits up, looking down at him. "Yeah? So you’re really feeling a bit more in there, then?"</p><p>“I am.  And it’s all thanks to you,” Michael says, hand coming up to stroke Calum’s cheek. “Best boyfriend ever.”</p><p>“Shut up, you idiot,” Calum says, but he’s laughing. “Okay, what do you say you let me beat your ass at scrabble?”</p><p>Michael smiles. “Only if I get to beat yours at chess.”</p><p>“That’s a deal,” Calum says, before going back to hiding against Michael until lunch is ready.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>***</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Michael wins every game of chess but loses every game of scrabble, and it feels like the world is spinning again.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>***</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>Apparently, Calum is already feeling better the next day. Michael gets woken up by hands unexpectedly shoved down his shorts, and he’s barely awake when Calum asks if they can get each other off. There’s no reason why Michael would say no in this moment; he asks if Calum is sure, and Calum says yes, hurriedly, so Michael brings him down to him, locking lips and breathing into each other’s mouth, morning breath and all. It’s soft, because kissing Calum is always soft and makes Michael’s heart flutter happily no matter what, so he savours it. </p><p>They get each other off like that, slow and lazy with whispered terms of endearment. There’s no rush, and they laugh at each other in the dark when one of them does or says something weird, and fuck, Michael loves having sex with Calum. He hasn’t slept with many others, but he still knows this is the best he’ll ever have, because there’s no way he’d feel as safe and loved with anyone else.</p><p>Once they’re done, both breathless but still chuckling and telling each other nonsense, they lay together for a while. Michael always loves the moment after almost as much as the sex itself, because Calum is all loose and happy and even more cuddly despite the sweat on both of their skins.</p><p>“I’m gonna take a shower,” Michael says after a while. “Wanna join me?”</p><p>“No, I’m just gonna lie down for a while,” Calum says. “I don’t feel like getting up, not until I’ve gotten all my breath back.”</p><p>Michael pouts a little, but he lets Calum kiss his forehead before rolling out of bed and making his way to the shower with warm and comfy clothes for the day.</p><p>He showers quickly, then makes his way down to the kitchen to fix them both some breakfast. He can’t help the smile that takes over his face when he sees the sunlight peek through the half closed curtains and mutters <em> finally </em>under his breath.</p><p>He makes breakfast quickly as well, too excited about the<em> sun, </em> and before long he’s sitting on the front porch’s steps with a cup of tea in his hands and toast on a plate on his lap. He knows there are perfectly good chairs he could sit on, but for some reason he just knows that it wouldn’t feel the same. It’s a bit chilly out, but he enjoys the bright late morning sun on his face either way.</p><p>The roads are still slightly wet from the rain of the past few days, but Michael finds himself smiling when he notices a group of kids playing a bit further down the street. It fills him with a warmth that only comes with being at peace, no matter how fleeting.</p><p>When Calum joins him, Michael has finished his toast, but half of the tea still remains in his cup, keeping his hands warm.</p><p>“Hey,” Calum says. He’s got a cup of coffee in his own hands, as well as a matching plate with toast on it.</p><p>“Hey,” Michael replies, patting the floor next to him, and it sounds absolutely too fond, but he’s long stopped caring about that.</p><p>Calum doesn’t say a word, just gives him a tiny smile as he sits beside him. They sit in silence for a bit, happy to enjoy each other’s company here out in the cold as they finish their breakfast. Calum is looking out at the streets, probably at the same kids Michael was looking at before, but Michael can’t look away from Calum.</p><p>In his soft forest green hoodie, with his wild and still wet curls on his head that Michael wants to run his hands through and his soft cheeks. Even from the side Michael can make out the slight sated smile on his lips; Michael can’t help but smile in return. Calum is pretty and gorgeous and warm and he’s <em> home; </em> Michael doesn’t see any valid reason to look away from him.</p><p>“Thank you for breakfast,” Calum says when he’s done, shifting closer to him.</p><p>“Of course,” Michael says. “Sorry that my breakfast making skills are nowhere near as good as yours.”</p><p>“Doesn’t matter.” Calum shrugs, and when he finally turns to look at Michael his smile is sincere and just as soft as Michael was picturing it. “Come here.”</p><p>As soon as Calum stretches his arm out Michael rushes to settle under it, relishing in the way Calum’s arm fits around his shoulders: perfectly.</p><p>Suddenly one of the kids falls off his skateboard — or maybe it’s actually a scooter, Michael isn’t sure — and just as soon who Michael assumes are his parents come running out of a house, shouting something they can’t hear and checking out if the kid’s okay. </p><p>“Maybe one day, that’ll be us,” Calum mumbles. “Worried about our kids falling off because they’re doing stupid shit. It could even be us here.”</p><p>Michael thinks the thought is supposed to scare him, make him panic and stop his brain from working, and he waits for it, but it doesn’t happen. Instead, something in his chest loosens, and he feels lighter at the thought of spending his life with Calum and kids of their own. Not that he didn’t know he’d live his whole life with Calum already, as long as Calum wants it, but this just seems so real and possible, the idea of building a family together.</p><p>“Yeah, I would like that,” he says, leaning his head on Calum’s shoulder. Calum’s arm wraps itself tighter around him.</p><p>“You would?”</p><p>“Yeah. Anything with you,” he says, and he can feel Calum’s smile through his whole body; it warms him up faster than the sun could.</p><p>
  <br/>
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</p><p>***</p><p>
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</p><p>It all comes crashing down on the seventh day.</p><p>He should have expected it; it comes and goes in waves, and every time the tide’s been low for too long Michael forgets it’s even a thing, forgets that it’s going to come back to drown him, so he doesn’t move, and it takes him by surprise.</p><p>When he wakes up, Calum isn’t in bed with him; it’s not surprising. He always wakes up way earlier than Michael, and Michael is used to it. But this morning, the cold bed and Calum’s absence make something vile and ugly coil around his chest and leave him breathless. He can feel himself start crying, rolling over and hiding his face into Calum’s pillow, clinging to it.</p><p>He knows, logically, that Calum is here. He can smell that breakfast is being cooked, probably eggs, and he can hear the music that Calum is most likely singing along to. He still feels alone, like part of him has been ripped from him. It doesn’t make sense; but his brain has decided to crash, and he isn’t awake enough to make it better. That’s why he needs Calum.</p><p>He wants to call for him, because he knows Calum will come running. But it’s exactly why he doesn’t. He doesn’t want Calum to worry, not when he took Michael here to make him feel better, not when Michael wouldn’t know how to explain himself.</p><p>So he lies here in the dark, his chest feeling too tight and his tears wetting Calum’s pillow and making him feel more empty with each one that leaves his body, until Calum comes wandering into the room, a tray full of perfectly good breakfast food on his arm. Michael knows Calum’s figured out something’s wrong as soon as he puts the tray on the desk and sits at the edge of the bed.</p><p>“Hey, you alright?” he asks, hand coming up to rest on top of Michael’s hair, fingers playing with the strands on his forehead. When Michael doesn’t answer with anything other than a choked up sob, wet eyes looking up at him, Calum gives him a sad smile that turns his face into a grimace. “It’s okay, you can let it out.”</p><p>The words and the intrinsic empathy they hold are almost enough to do it, but then Calum’s thumb comes down to rub Michael’s cheekbone soothingly, catching a couple silent tears, and Michael is gone. He lets himself cry, loud and ugly as Calum wraps himself around him, kissing his snotty face and rubbing his back until he has no tears left to cry.</p><p>Calum feeds him breakfast in the dark, trying to get him to talk, but Michael pretends he’s too busy eating to answer, even if it all feels tasteless.</p><p>He doesn’t cry again after breakfast, but the rest of the day isn’t any better for all that. He goes from feeling too much to feeling almost completely numb, and hates himself for it because he’s supposed to enjoy his time with Calum, he’s supposed to feel so much love and peacefulness. He’s supposed to feel good, just like he was starting to really feel sitting on that front porch.</p><p>“I already told you not to worry about that,” Calum tells him when Michael says all this to him later that day. Calum insisted they took a bath to relax a little, so he’s now slowly washing Michael’s hair. </p><p>“But you specifically took me here to get me out of this… whatever it is that’s been going on, and I can’t even thank you by actually appreciating it,” Michael says.</p><p>Calum’s only response for a minute is to rinse the shampoo out of his hair. That feels good, at least; Michael keeps his eyes closed, tries to enjoy the physical sensation of Calum scratching and rubbing at his scalp. Before long that’s over, but Calum goes on to washing his shoulders.</p><p>“I don’t believe that you’re not appreciating it,” he says after a while. “I can see it in your eyes, you’re grateful to be here. Because even if it’s not all better, there’s weight off your shoulders. I can tell by the way you hold me like there’s more space for you to do so. I wouldn’t worry, you’re showing me you like being here in little ways, in the ways that matter.”</p><p>“Is that enough for you?”</p><p>“Of course it’s enough,” Calum says, as easy as breathing. “I don’t need anything but love and support from you, and you’ve given me that since the day we met. I don’t need you to thank me for the things I do because <em> I </em> love and support you.”</p><p>“If you say so,” Michael agrees, mostly because he doesn’t have the energy to fight what Calum is telling him.</p><p>“I do say so, and I never lie to you, you know that.”</p><p>Michael does know that, so he lets his shoulders relax as much as he can under Calum’s caring hands. </p><p>They stay in the bath until the water is too cold to be enjoyable, and then Calum wraps them both in the fluffiest of towels, making silly faces at him and telling bad jokes as he dries them carefully. Michael just stands there, leaning on Calum’s shoulder and half heartedly chuckling at Calum’s jokes. </p><p>Calum makes them a very quick dinner, stirring the pasta pot with Michael attached to his side; Michael knows it’s not ideal, but he can’t bear the thought of leaving Calum’s side even for a few minutes. At least Calum is slightly grounding, real and tangible, so Michael clings to that, even when they move to the couch to eat.</p><p>“Should I feed you, too?” Calum asks jokingly.</p><p>Michael shrugs. “I mean, I wouldn’t say no.”</p><p>“Okay then,” Calum says, abandoning his bowl on his lap and taking Michael’s fork from him. “Open up.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Open up, I’m feeding you.”</p><p>“No, I was joking.”</p><p>“Sorry babe, that didn’t look like it,” Calum says, bringing the fork to Michael’s mouch.</p><p>“Cal–”</p><p>“Come on, please? I like taking care of you. That’d make me happy.”</p><p>And, well, Calum already knows he’s won with that. “Making Calum happy” are the magical words, what would make Michael agree to almost anything without a second thought. So he lets Calum feed him, lets him mind drift off, though he tries to rein it back in before it can get too out of hand and make all of this worse.</p><p>It’s easy enough to keep his thoughts in control, or fairly so, while Calum is distracting him screaming “here comes the airplane” and other ridiculous things. It’s relatively easy still while they’re doing the dishes, and while they get ready for bed together.</p><p>Obviously, once they’re buried under the covers and Calum is halfway to being asleep within fifteen minutes, there’s nothing to distract him anymore, and the thoughts start getting away from him without him even realizing it.</p><p>He’s laying with his head pillowed on Calum's bare chest the way he likes it best, ear over his beating heart. It’s quite calming, or it could be if it were any other day. Now though, he’s tracing the healing scars on Calum’s chest with his fingers. He was scared to do that, at first; hesitant to touch them, thought Calum wouldn’t like it, so he’d just try and keep his hands away. It’s not like he ignored they were there, either, cause that would be horrible; he’s put healing cream on them most days, and he’s told Calum how much he likes him like this. He just wouldn’t touch in intimate moments like these.</p><p>But then he accidently touched them a few weeks ago, his hands running a bit wild while they were sleeping together. He’d apologized, but Calum had told him it actually made him feel good, reminded him that he finally looked the way he’s been wanting to for years.</p><p>It wasn’t easy, at first. Calum only had his top surgery right before Christmas, a little over two months ago. The first few weeks weren’t the best. The scars hurt, for starters, especially whenever he’d have the compressive binder on. He kept wanting to take it off, but Michael would remind him not to, even if it wasn’t the most comfortable.</p><p>On top of that, Calum kept looking at himself self-consciously, probably weirded out by his body looking so different. He’s only been waiting so long to have the surgery done because no matter how much he’s been wanting it, he was scared, which Michael can understand. It only makes sense that he might still be having trouble getting used to it now. Well, Michael figures that’s what it is; he didn’t ask many questions. He frowns at that, fingers stilling on Calum’s right scar. He’s been telling himself he wasn’t asking because he didn’t want to make Calum tell him anything he wasn’t ready to, but now he realizes it might have been because he was too buried inside his own mind to pay attention.</p><p>That makes his heart rate pick up, and not in a good way. Has he really been ignoring Calum’s struggles? He’d never do it on purpose, but fuck, Calum doesn’t deserve that. He never does, but especially not after such a major surgery like that.</p><p>And then, he thinks about all the seventeen years they’ve known each other. About how Calum came and talked to him on that first day because he saw that Michael was lonely. About how he’s been getting Michael out of trouble both with others and with himself since then, even when he was going through discovering himself, and the fucking traumatizing life that high school was when he came out as trans, making his life hell until the band took off. Even then it didn’t magically become perfect, far from that. Michael’s had to hold Calum through people’s judgmental looks and words, had to watch Calum lose friends — well, “friends” — as well as some of the love he had for himself. That alone has been so fucking hard to build back.</p><p>And through all that, Calum has been there for him, and Michael has revelled in the caring hands and words, and he hasn’t even taken the time to step back and realize that this is fucking weak and selfish of him. Clearly Calum has had enough to worry about. And it’s still going on, even though Michael’s a grown adult now and should be able to take care of himself.</p><p>He can’t help himself; at the realization a tear falls, rolling down his cheek before hitting Calum’s skin.</p><p>“Mike?” Calum asks, and Michael can only let out a sob at Calum’s caring voice. “Baby, what’s wrong?”</p><p>“Stop caring about me so much,” Michael says through another sob, burying his face in his boyfriend’s chest. He can practically feel the frown on Calum’s face from the way his arms tighten around Michael’s shoulders.</p><p>“What? Since when– where is that coming from? Of course I’m always going to care about you.”</p><p>The scared confusion in his voice makes Michael sad, but still he has to go on.</p><p>“No, but… your life is hard,” he starts through his tears. That’s an absolute understatement, but fuck, he’s trying. “You’ve had to deal with so much shit, from figuring yourself out to having people discredit you once you’d done that, and through all that I’ve just been a fucking mess.”</p><p>“Oh, Mike.”</p><p>“Your life’s been hard, and you’ve still been spending most of it taking care of me and my shitty brain. That’s so fucking unfair, I’m so sorry.”</p><p>He can’t stop crying now, and it’s like this morning all over again, except it’s ten times worse, because now he knows that he’s actually an awful person.</p><p>“Mike look at me,” Calum says, a hurried tone to his voice. Michael only shakes head no and wraps his arms tighter around Calum’s torso.</p><p>“Mike,” Calum says, voice harder. He pushes on Michael’s shoulder, makes Michael look him in the eyes. He looks dead serious when he talks next. “I could be in the worst mood of my life but if I knew you were sad and hurting, making sure you were okay would be all that mattered.”</p><p>Michael can feel the tears rushing faster, though he hopes Calum can’t tell. “Cal–”</p><p>“No, that’s the part where you listen to me. I love you. With my entire being, I love you. That means I want to take care of you, no matter what’s going on with me. I’ll fight everyone and everything in my way to make sure you’re okay, even if that means fighting my own demons. I don’t want just the pretty and easy parts of you. If your love is mine, then so is your pain.”</p><p>Everything in Michael wants to protest; he wants to scream that this shouldn’t be how it is, that Calum should always be free of pain, that he shouldn’t have to take on Michael’s. But Calum is looking at him so sincerely, with so much love behind his sorry eyes, and his words are warming Michael up stupidly. That shouldn't be happening, it’s just going to make him unable to disagree, damn it.</p><p>“Also,” Calum goes on. “I never want you to diminish your issues because mine seem more important to you. They’re not, they’re just different. They can co-exist, babe, it’s not a matter of who has it worse.”</p><p>His hands are cradling Michael’s face now, like it’s the most precious thing in the world. Thinking about it, Calum’s goal is most likely to have Michael look at him, but he can’t help it that he feels like the center of the universe when Calum holds him like this, all soft and delicate. He feels loved, and maybe that’s weak of him, but he can’t risk changing that.</p><p>“Okay, babe?” Calum says, and Michael has to nod. Calum lets out a sigh full of relief. “Good. We’re in this, <em> all of this, </em> together.”</p><p>Michael nods again, sniffling before Calum brings him back down to his chest, laying a kiss on his forehead. It must be at a weird angle for him to do so, but Michael knows how much Calum loves giving him forehead kisses. He usually settles for a kiss  on his hair when they’re cuddling like this, but apparently the situation called for a forehead kiss no matter what. Michael is glad; he does like those best.</p><p>“I’m still sorry, though,” he mumbles against Calum’s chest after a while. His sobs have died down, but he can’t seem to stop the tears from flowing. “The last thing I wanna do is make you feel like I’m not paying attention, or that I’m putting myself first. Well, I guess I am, but I’m not doing it on purpose, I swear.”</p><p>“I could never feel like that. I told you, I feel your love in everything you do, I promise.”</p><p>“Okay,” Michael says, taking back to mapping Calum’s scars with his fingertips. “I still want to be better at it, alright? I feel like you can give me that, at least.”</p><p>Calum sighs, squeezing Michael’s shoulders. “Fine, I can work with that.”</p><p>This, on top of the day, and probably the week and honestly months he’s had, has absolutely drained him of the last of his energy, and he can feel his eyes start to droop. God, they’re gonna be so puffy red when he wakes up. He supposes it’s alright, though, with only Calum to bear witness to it.</p><p>“I love you so much,” he whispers, Calum’s heart beating slow and steady and safe underneath him.</p><p>“Love you too,” Calum replies softly, and with that, Michael falls asleep.</p><p>His night isn’t the most peaceful, but through every hiccup Calum is here, holding him and telling him how loved he is. Somehow, in the back of his mind, he knows everything will be alright.</p><p>
  <br/>
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</p><p>***</p><p>
  <br/>
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</p><p>They spend another few days at the house; they gradually get better, Calum making sure to coax Michael outside to spend time under the sun despite the cold. It’s okay though, because they’re wrapped up in hoodies and blankets and Calum makes them hot chocolate that warms Michael up on the inside each time.</p><p>Michael apologizes each time he cries, but Calum always just shushes him, repeats the same things over and over and reminds him that either of them not being alright is okay, and it doesn’t mean that they care less about each other. It makes more sense to Michael each time he says it, even if it’s going to take some time for the thought to really take root inside of him. And though he doesn’t voice this out loud, Calum still still promises that he’ll be there to make sure it does. He tells him by squeezing his hand, and running him baths, and singing him songs he wouldn't sing in front of anyone else.</p><p>Maybe Calum did have a point when he said he could see Michael’s love through every little thing.</p><p>When they’ve finally packed everything on the last day, after Michael says he feels ready to head back home, he feels a bit more light, an echo of what he was feeling that day sitting on the porch watching the kids play with Calum at his side.</p><p>He smiles to himself at the thought as he locks the front door, bag on his shoulder and guitar case in hand, and stops there for a second, taking a deep breath. He takes in the scent of the rain that has started falling softly again. He’s pretty sure that if he looked behind him, a rainbow would be there to greet him through the sunbeams.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” Calum asks from beside him, looping an arm around his waist.</p><p>Michael shakes his head, turns his smile towards his boyfriend. “Nothing, it’s just. I think I’d like to come back here. Cause I know the breakdown wasn’t because of the place, I would have had it back home, too.” He bites his lip, hand still clutched around the door handle. “I like it here. A world outside of our world, you know? Feels normal and grounding, like you said.”</p><p>The smile that Calum gives him at that is one that lights up his whole face, a hint of relief in his eyes.</p><p>“Really?”</p><p>Michael nods. “Yeah, really. I’d love to make more memories here, just with you. Maybe at some point we could show this place to Luke and Ashton, but, hum. This feels like a perfect you-and-I place, right?”</p><p>“It does, it does.” Calum lets out an almost shy laugh, one that has Michael chuckling with him, for no other reason that he’s really fucking in love.</p><p>“Okay, great,” Michael says after a beat, letting go of the door handle to take hold of Calum’s hand. “In the meantime, I’m gonna try my best to work hard, and make you proud. And make the band proud.”</p><p>“I know you will, you can do anything,” Calum says, and it’s probably a bit much, but Michael believes him.</p><p>“I'm gonna write so many songs about how much I love you, though, fair warning.”</p><p>“Wouldn’t want anything less, since I’ll be doing the same.”</p><p>“And, huh,” Michael starts. He forces himself to look at Calum. “I’ve been thinking about what you said. That you’d want to make sure I was okay even if you were at your worst. I just– you know it’s the same for me, right?”</p><p>Calum gives him a smile, leans forward to kiss his temple. “Mike. I know, my love. You need to stop worrying about this, because I know. And deep down you know, too, right? We love each other unconditionally.”</p><p>“Yeah, that’s never been in question,” Michael replies easily.</p><p>“Well, if we can at least agree on this.” Calum smiles again, squeezes his hand like a promise. “Should we head home, then?”</p><p>Michael nods, but he stays where he is, just a little longer.</p><p>It could rain every remaining day of his life, but if he gets to spend it with Calum there to be his own personal sunshine, then Michael thinks it doesn’t have to be so bad.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thanks for reading!<br/>comments and kudos are always appreciated :)<br/>as always i'm on <a href="https://michaelsarmbandtattoo.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a> if you want to come say hi!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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